I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
