If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
