Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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