I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just cropdusted the office
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
