why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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