i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
