so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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