I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize