Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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