toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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