He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
