good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
