Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
