so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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