Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
