She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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