If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
