Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
