Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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