just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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