Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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