i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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