I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
