Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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