well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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