I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
