Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
