please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
