she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
