You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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