I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I still have a little drunk in my system
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
