I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm passing your future prison.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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