I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
