some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
