I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
