I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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