I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
