I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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