Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
