don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
