found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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