hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
