So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
