I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need to stop coming to work sober
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
