when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
