Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
jump out the window naked night went bad
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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