I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think I sprained my soul last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
