3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
