she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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