HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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