somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
