a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
