my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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