She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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