So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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