I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
