im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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