cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
