If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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