tonight lets celebrate not being married
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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