sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
