I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
