i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
