What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
