im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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