the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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