I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
